Losing someone....

I don't really know where to begin with this post.   I got the strong impression that I needed to write some things down, and maybe by having my friends read this, it might help my family out and help my friends understand what I am going through.  

First off, I just want to thank everyone who has kept me and my family in your prayers.  They are being felt each and every day.  We are truly blessed to live in this great valley surrounded by amazing people.  I can't imagine living anywhere else.

Now before I start into this, I just want to explain myself first.  I am not trying to hurt feelings or cause an uproar.  I am simply voicing my opinion.  MY opinion.  This is NOT the opinion of my Mom, Dad or any of my family members.  It is Keely Ward Richman expressing her feelings.  I just ask that you read this post with an open heart and hopefully you take something from it. 

I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride ever since little Kyla got here in November.  Just when I was finally getting a handle on things, I got the news that my brother had passed away.  In that instant my world stopped.  It felt as if someone had grabbed me by the throat and was trying to choke me.  "It's not real."  I can't tell you how many times I have said those 3 words.  How could someone you love so much have been here yesterday, and today they're gone.  It's not fair.  I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm confused, I'm ok, I'm not ok.  There are so many things I feel...sometimes all at once, and other times individually.  Sometimes I laugh, and other times I cry.  One day I feel kind of normal, the next day is a different story.  What I am getting at is I never know how I'm going to feel.  This might go on for months, or years....I don't know.  What I do know, is it is going to take some time, and that's ok.  I would prefer it be sooner than later, but I know I will be ok.

Now one thing that has made this whole situation really hard is people.  Yes, people.  I understand that everyone's intentions are good, but people have a way of tearing you down without knowing they are.  What do I mean by this you might ask?  Well....I just finished telling you about my feelings.  I never know how I'm going to feel, and those feelings can change in an instant.  So if I don't know how I feel, how can you tell me to my face "I know how you feel."  Really?  You do?  I understand that you may have lost someone close to you, but that still does not mean you know how I personally am feeling.  Everyone deals with loss differently.

"How are you doing?"  This is a question you ask someone on a daily basis.  You see a familiar face..."How are you doing today?" It's almost like it's programmed into us.  So I understand that this one is tough.  But please....PLEASE DO NOT ASK ME HOW I AM DOING.  You want the truth...the truth is I am doing shitty.  This is a really sucky situation that I am working through, and to make it worse, you ask how my parents and sister are doing.  What is it that people want me to say? "Oh hey we're all doing GREAT!" You know what the answer is, so please don't ask.  If you feel uncomfortable with the silence, start talking to yourself.  At least then you might make me laugh because I think you're crazy.  I would much rather laugh than tear up.  When people ask this question it's almost as if they are trying to get me to cry.  They expect me to be sad.  Well...what if it's my kind of normal day, and then I come across a person who asks me in a super sad tone how I am doing.  My feelings can change instantly.  Say anything besides "How are you doing," these words can be really hurtful without even knowing it.

It is hard.  I hate this.  I hate seeing our family go through this.  A friend of mine said we aren't going to get over this, so we've got to work through it.  So please just be patient with me while I work through it.  For the most part, I am ok.  I can honestly say that.  So when you ask out of habit how I am doing, ok will be my answer, but just because I am ok does not mean the next person can say the same.  

            

    

Capturing Memories

While I was in the hospital, my dear friend Emily Garrard, a fellow photographer, was able to capture some great memories for Casey and I.  Emily has some amazing work, and I am so so grateful to her for doing this for us.  It means more to me than she will ever know.  If you like Emily's work, check out her website here Emily Garrard Photography.  l'll let the photos speak for themselves, so sit back and enjoy the show....

That one time when I became a Mom

I figured I had better write this whole experience down before I started forgetting some of it.  I can't believe I've offically been a Mom for over a month now!  Time keeps flying and I don't think it's going to slow down anytime soon.  So here it is...my adventure on becoming a mommy.

My entire pregnancy went by really quick, that is until I hit the final 3 weeks.  I'm sure it's this way with every pregnant woman.  I was tired of looking and feeling like the Michellin man, waddling around the house with ankles the size of bowling balls and hands that were so swollen and numb I couldn't even grip a pen to write with.  I was super anxious to meet my little one, and nervous facing the unknown.  Am I having contractions?  Did my water just break or did I pee?  I WANT THIS KID OUT!!!!!  My heart sunk when my due date had come and gone and I still didn't have a baby in my arms.  I then started getting nervous about getting induced.  "My body should be able to do this on its own...it's supposed to! Now I have to have drugs to get things flowing?  Am I going to give my kid brain damage having this done?  Why the heck won't I dialate?"  A million other thoughts ran through my mind but you get the picture.

My due date was November 9th.  They scheduled me to go in on Sunday the 16th at 4:00 PM (I had no idea this was going to be the worst night of my life.) They started me on Cytotec to soften my cervix, which consisted of me taking a pill every 3 hours.  Well...my nurses were supposed to come in and give me a pill every 3 hours, but between shift changes they got all screwed up on my times so it just ended up pushing everything back.  The best part of my night was having people come wake me up every 10 minutes because the monitor that tracks the babys heart beat kept moving or the baby would decide to move.  I got about 2 hours of sleep throughout the night.  Just what I wanted to prep me for labor the next day.  To top this all off, my anxiousness didn't help my situation at all.

Monday morning finally rolled around and they started me on the PIT.  The doc broke my water, and the race was on!  Ha... I wish.  I went through labor most of the day and only dialated to a 4.  By 5:00 Kyla's heart rate started dropping with each contraction.  They decided to put me on oxygen and take me off the pit to monitor her heart and when they did my contractions completely stopped.  I was so frustrated that my body wasn't doing anything on its own.  On the plus side, it was soooooo nice to take a break from the pain and Kyla's heart rate leveled out.  We waited for a while and on came the Pit again.  My contractions fired up and her heart rate started dropping even lower than before. It didn't take long for the Doctor to make the command decision that I was going to have a c-section.  After that it all happened quick.  Within 40 minutes Kyla was here!  (It was the best feeling in the world hearing our little baby cry for the first time, and seeing Casey with her just made it all complete.) I don't really remember much in the recovery room because I slept most of the time, but I do know that the operating room was FREEEEEEZING!!!! They kept piling the heated blankets on me so I would stop shaking in order to give me the spinal block, and I must say, It's a crazy weird feeling not having any feeling.  They flopped me off the operating table like a dead fish.

I made it back to the room, and finally got to embrace my girl for the first time.  It was wonderful getting to hold a little piece of heaven.  I felt bad that her poor little head was coned.  She had an alien looking noggin (if I knew what aliens looked like.)  She tried so hard to make it out on her own, but the space just wasn't quite big enough for her to fit through. (No wonder her heart rate kept dropping on us.)

Since then, life hasn't slowed down.  I have a super amazing husband that did everything for the first week because I was pretty much worthless after my surgery, and he still continues to do most everything.  My Mom was my guardian angel afterwards, helping me during the Baby Blues, and just being there for me.  I am so blessed to have such great people in my life.  You all know who you are!  I just want to thank all of you who stopped by to see us at the hospital.  We really appreciate your love and support.

Now a month has come and gone and Kyla is growing like a weed.  It's crazy how fast she changes and what new things she is starting to do.  Our life is fuller now that we have her in it, and we are so blessed to have a happy healthy baby.  Be sure to stay tuned for the life and times of Kyla!

 I am so glad I don't look like a beached whale anymore. 

 My mom took about 50 pictures of Casey in his Cheese factory suit :)

See....cone head.  I wasn't kidding.

    All ready to head home! 

Ohhhh baby...

(Warning....I am starting this post out saying it like it is...if you would prefer to be spared a little negativity I will put a bright caption where the happiness beigns.)

So...turns out I have a human being growing inside of me, and I must say, this is the weirdest most bizarre thing I have ever experienced.  To put it plainly, it sucks.  I totally wanted to be throwing my guts out for the first 3 months.  It's awesome.  A trip to the hospital to get fluid helped, (not without getting stabbed in every vein first) but I can't even imagine being sick through the entire pregnancy.  Luckily it went away...sorta.

2nd trimester.  Well....have you seen the movie "What to Expect When you're Expecting?"  Wendy hits the nail on the head.  "I feel like I got kicked in the vag"....about 50 times.  I love the feeling of packing a bowling ball on my pelvis all day every day whether walking or lying down.  The heat is enough to kill me.  Being tired, and sick, and sweaty, and fat, and more fat, and more sweaty....I love it!  Oh, and I suddenly became the wimpiest girl in the world.  I can't lift anything for fear of hurting my child.  It's annoying, nerve wracking, and just downright frustrating.  I hate being weak, but it's all for good reason.

As I was on my way to the doctor last week, I'm driving along and what should hit me, but the sudden urge to lose my breakfast without ANY warning.  I'll spare you the details, but it definitely made my day complete.

Ok ok, so besides my bad experience last week in the car, it isn't all bad.  But honestly...people don't prep you for this.   I thnk if they did, women wouldn't have kids.  So please don't take this to heart.  I'm just saying it like it is.

Happiness starts here.

So...turns out I have a human being growing inside of me, and I must say, this is the coolest thing I have ever experienced!  Seriously...there is a living thing in my fat belly! How flippin cool is that?  I still can't wrap my head around it.  God is super tricky to make this possible.  He has a cruel sense of humor with the whole sickness, moodiness and pain thing, but tricky he is.  This past week our little one has been moving like crazy!  Just more proof that there's a person in there.

I am 25 weeks along, and I must say, today I have been freaking myself out.  In 3 months, I will be holding a baby in my arms, and Casey and I will be completely responsible for it.  I'm scared out of my mind!  I'm still my Mom's kid.  I can't have one myself.  How am I going to be a Mom?  I honestly still feel like I'm 16.  I have to keep reminding myself I'm 24.  That just feels weird to say, but I'm going to be a Mom ready or not.  I'm holding out for the special feeling every Mom says she gets the first time she see's her little one.  I'm counting on that moment to make this whole experience worth it.

                                                                        23 weeks
 Thank heavens through my weird hormonal changes God made me a laugher instead of a cryer.  Well...I cry because I laugh so hard, but suddenly my husband has become the most hilarious person on the face of the planet. (He was funny before, but now it's just an added bonus.)  Apparantly I make him laugh too with my fat lady pregnant run.  (It's not a run.  I just move my arms really fast..."it feels like you're running at an incredible rate!")  I shouldnt have to tell you that's from Dumb and Dumber.  I haven't had any weird cravings, but I have found I miss my Mom a lot more when I dont talk to her or see her.

So another big thing we've experienced....WE MOVED!  We are now proud residence of DECLO, ID.  I absolutely LOVE IT!  Our house is cozy, with a little over 2 acres, so when I get the kids all popped out they have space to run amuck and gallop through our wooded glen.  Ok so there's not much of a wooded glen, but there's wide open spaces, which is just how we like it.  We love our ward.  I actually don't dread going to church on Sundays anymore, and we have great neighbors that live far enough away they don't bug us.

                                                                  Our humble abode

            This is us for now...fat, and happy for the most part. Oh...and if you wanted to know...

Kyla will be here November 9th, but I'd take her a week early if she wanted to make an entrance.  Don't tell my Dad though.  He was upset we found out what we are having and he was adamant about not knowing.  So try not to bring it up in small talk if he pulls you over haha.  November will be here before I know it, and I just hope I'm as good of a Mom to my girl as my Mom is to me.  Here's hoping :)

One of those year review thingy's

I figured I had better write my year in review because I am obviously the worlds suckiest blogger, and if I don't write at least once a year, I won't ever remember anything I did.  2013 was probably the shortest year of my life.  Lets just put it this way....my life is going by so fast I honestly thought I was 22 this entire year.  No joke.  It's pretty pathetic I can't even remember my own age.  I'm 23 for those of you who were wondering. I'm pretty sure that's right.  Oh well who cares. Not me apparently.  Ok...

2013...

January thru April is pretty much a blur.  Between working at the flower shop, teaching my clogging kids in Almo, and photography, I definitely kept myself busy.  The biggest event took place on March 28th.  I was in Almo doing a senior photo shoot and I get a phone call from Casey saying he burned himself while at work and went to the hospital, BUT I'M OK he says.  I of course don't believe him and think my husband is dying and I'm not there to be a part of it.  I sped a little bit that night.  Turns out he was fine.  I mean, other than burning the piss out of his arm and face, he was good.  No big deal.

I had a birthday in April.  I turned 22...again.  My cousins made me a wicked awesome movie.  You should definitely watch their amazing vocal talent.  They are my favorite singers EVER! Click this link and see for yourselves.  It's the one titled Keely's Birthday Song!!  Its the link after that one that's highlighted in blue.  Keely's Birthday SONG!!! Sorry if I confused you there.   I had to work that day, but it was fine.  I remembered it snowed huge quarter sized flakes that morning, and I got a ton of phone calls from my long distance friends that I never get to see anymore. It was a good day.  A birthday should be a good day, and mine was.  

May is also a pretty exciting month.  Case and I celebrated our 2nd year of forever.  Forever is a way long time, so I am way way glad I picked the right man to spend it with.  So February April and May kind of got rolled into one because my Valentines gift to Casey was a weekend stay in Jackpot which didn't take place until the end of April, which we kinda ended up tying my birthday and our anniversary together, so that just shows you how amazing we are!  Killed 3 birds with one shot.  You could probably even count it as part of Christmas too.  But we had a great time in ol Nevada.  We always do!   My clogging recital for my students was a big success.  I'm still working on uploading the videos so stay tuned for those to come up.  I was pretty proud of my little cloggers.

June, July, & August were pretty quiet.  We made a few trips down to the river to "try" and wakeboard.  I feel like I suck worse every time I strap in, but Case and I made it a goal that in 2014 we will become pro wakeboarders and dominate the river.  (Stay tuned for that adventure)  Oh, and we bought a semi: A semi-trailer truck is a large vehicle that consists of a towing engine, known as a tractor in the United States and truck in many other places, attached to one or more semi-trailers to carry freight.  Call it an 18 wheeler.  It's quite a thrill having control over 18 wheels rolling over the pavement, or gravel, or cornrows.  It's a rush.  Especially when you have no clue what you're doing, but I'll get to that later.

Casey turned the big 27.  Buffalo Wild Wings, and a night with friends made it a pretty good day I think.  

September....this was the most insane month of my LIFE!  We went to Camp smokey for a week.  I'ts right by Alturas Lake, if you don't know what I'm talking about.  It was nice and relaxing.  It was also one of those times when it seemed like everybody was upset over nothing, which then made everyone upset over everything, and then it just made us all dazed and confused, and it was kind of a blur for a bit, but Alturas Lake is beautiful, and I love the mountains.  It was a great time spent with family.  So as Casey and I are on our way home we get a phone call saying there is work for our semi in corn harvest and we can start tomorrow.  Which, tomorrow technically was less than 5 hours away.  The plan was to have me, Keely, miss chicken, drive the 18 wheeler for corn.  I however did not expect to start for another 2 weeks and instantly went into shock.  My brother was super nice and took me out on my first grand adventure of corn.  The worst thing that I did was left my gate open while I was getting loaded with corn.  It only took one time though.  I never left it open again.  Corn was fun.  I learned how to drive a semi, went to work with my husband every day, and gained a better appreciation for all the truck drivers out there.  It was stressful at times, and I whined a lot, but I got through it.

October November & December-  I started up teaching clogging in Burley with Shaundalee & Melissa.  I am still working at the flower shop and taking photos. December flew by.  Casey got hurt again.  He took a pivot to the face, and lets just say the pivot looked better than Casey did. Casey was torching it for scrap metal and well...the pivot hit him, knocked him out, and cut his cheek pretty good, but luckily that was all that happened.  We really have been blessed with our injuries.  Things could have been a lot worse, but we have been watched over and protected.  Casey got to spend a week in Germany at the "John Deere Factory."  His first adventure with International Travel.  He left me for an entire week, and I somehow survived.  I guess distance makes the heart grow fonder. I was sure happy to see him when he got back.  He struggled with Jet lag for a few days, but finally got back into the swing of things.  Christmas this year was really sad.  Casey and I both got really sick on Christmas eve with "Strep Pneumonia" so we were quarantined in the house and finally resurfaced on Friday.   Christmas just isn't the same when you aren't spending it with family.  But Case spoiled me rotten, and made me feel a little less sick.  

This year Keely Richman Photography had a total of 43 photo shoots! 16 of which were during the month of October.  For some of you that is a small number, but for a newbie who is just starting out, and has no clue what the heck she is doing....October was an insane month.  I don't know how other photographers do it.  I hope practice will make it all better.  I have been really blessed with all of the clients I have been getting for photos.  I have gotten to meet some pretty wonderful people this year, and gotten to know some of you better than I already did. I have had some super neat and understanding clients, and I have had some not so understanding clients.  I am slowly realizing that I can't make everyone happy.  Although I try my hardest, I am always going to tick somebody off.  I guess that's the joy of owning my own business.  The hard part about it is my lack of self confidence.  Oh yes....I fooooled you all! You think I have it all together huh?  Well I am a great fibber.  Turns out, I have hit a few ruts in the road this year, and it's a lot harder than you think to get back on track.  

I tend to take things wayyyyyyyyyyyy too personal.  In a few instances I have given an inch and people have walked all over me.  It hurts....a lot.  It is really hard owning your own business.  People think you charge too much, when in all reality I haven't pocketed as much as you think I do.  It makes me feel awful when people make rude comments towards me and my work.  I know I am not perfect.  I am far from it, but that's why I am constantly practicing to get better.  I made a new friend this year who has made a world of difference in my life.  She has been nothing but supportive to me and my work, and has been slowly giving me confidence.  If you're reading this missy, you know who you are.  I can't thank you enough for believing in me.  I am always looking to learn new things and improve myself and the best teachers for the job are other photographers. Thank you thank you thank you for all your help.  I couldn't do it without the support of my amazing husband either.  He is my #1 fan and believes in me.  I couldn't do it without you babe. Thanks Mom and Dad for your love and support as well.

This new year is going to be bringing new things to my business.  Keely Richman Photography is making a few new changes.  My goal is to simplify my life.  I have been caught up in doing way too many things.  I am going to focus all of my attention on my photography to try and improve my work well as myself. 

 So here's to a new year.  To new adventures.  To simplifying life. To being a better person.  To having more self confidence.  Goodbye 2013.  I'm ready for new things in my life, and hope 2014 has good things in store......to be continued.....

Extreme Makeover...(Richman Style)

So I finally buckled down and finished my before and after pictures of our house.  There are still a few things that need some work, but for now, I am sitting back and enjoying it.  It may not look like much, but redoing wood floors and painting every room takes quite a bit of work.  Thanks Mom for all your help, and Cade for helping Casey with the floor and trim.  Hope you all enjoy!

I hate to whine, but sometimes you just gotta cut the cheese.

I have been wanting to write a post for the month but just haven't felt like I've had much to say.  I have refrained for fear of getting too worked up and saying some things I might regret but I think now..."it is time." (as rafiki would say)

I absolutely hate those people that seem to have everything figured out. (You know the type I'm talking about) they go to college and know EXACTLY what they are going to major in, get married, have a kid, and still go to school, and manage to have a life on top of everything.  Or there are those that get to live off of Mommy & Daddy's money and everything is figured out for them.  This hate monster got fired up over a conversation I overheard at Taco Bandido last night that went something like this....

Person #1- "Hey!....How is Rebecca doing? I haven't seen her since we graduated high school."

Person #2- "Oh she is doing great.  Her and her husband are both finishing their Masters degrees at BYU, and they are expecting their first kid in a few weeks."    

Me thinking to myself- (HOLY S***! How in the heck are they still married!!? I know for a fact being a full time student would add a little...no a lot of stress in my life, plus being a hormonal basket case would be the breaking point. And a Masters degree?....COME ON!, I couldn't even figure out what I wanted to major in for my stupid Associates degree let alone 8-12 more years of school.) Needless to say, I rolled my eyes and was a little peeved at this couple I didn't even know.

The two men visited a little longer, but I lost track of the conversation due to the jumble of chaos that was enveloping my brain.  

I am a person that thrives on goals.  I like having things planned out to work towards, and I'm sure most of us are like this.  When I hit high school my goal was to graduate.  After graduation, it was attend college.  I had no clue what I was going to do at college, but everyone around me told me it was what I needed to do, so I just went along with it.  I loved college life.  Hated classes, but the atmosphere was exciting, busy, and full of friends. I hit college and my next goal was an associates degree.  I was thinking a mission would be in line next, but a certain boy came along that set my eternity in motion.  Then of course my goal was the wedding and getting everything planned! It was the most exciting time of my life!  (If some of you that are reading this are not married, I strongly encourage you to do it!)  

Marriage is the best thing that has happened to me.  I don't know how I could have gotten through these last two years without Case by my side.  After the wedding excitement was over, I figured I'd go back to school.  Everyone kept asking me when I was starting back up, so I just assumed I had to go.  I registered for online classes, and instantly hated life.  Casey asked me if I was going to school for me, or for somebody else.  It was that moment I realized I wasn't making myself happy.  I was doing it to please other people.  I didn't enroll in classes after that, and instantly felt like the world was judging me. 

I guess the reason I'm writing this post is to stand up for myself.  I am happy being a clogging teacher, and doing a little bit of photography here and there.  (By the way, if you think my photography isn't the best, it's not.  But practice makes perfect and I'll keep practicing until I get better.  I appreciate constructive criticism, but certain people need to keep their opinions to themselves)  If my husband died tomorrow I am completely capable of going out and getting a job in Burley, Idaho.  True, it may not be a money maker, but I'm not the type of girl who wants to live in a $500,000 house and drive ridiculous vehicles, and go shop at the buckle every day.  I'll manage, because I'm strong, and was raised right by parent's that taught me the meaning of the word "work."  

So this is to all of you that think I'm stupid for not getting a bachelors degree.  Turns out, school isn't for me.  But I can guarantee that I am going to be better off than half of you out there with your fancy pieces of paper and student loans to pay off.  I am doing what makes me happy.  That is right...ME and no one can take that away from me!