First off, I just want to thank everyone who has kept me and my family in your prayers. They are being felt each and every day. We are truly blessed to live in this great valley surrounded by amazing people. I can't imagine living anywhere else.
Now before I start into this, I just want to explain myself first. I am not trying to hurt feelings or cause an uproar. I am simply voicing my opinion. MY opinion. This is NOT the opinion of my Mom, Dad or any of my family members. It is Keely Ward Richman expressing her feelings. I just ask that you read this post with an open heart and hopefully you take something from it.
I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride ever since little Kyla got here in November. Just when I was finally getting a handle on things, I got the news that my brother had passed away. In that instant my world stopped. It felt as if someone had grabbed me by the throat and was trying to choke me. "It's not real." I can't tell you how many times I have said those 3 words. How could someone you love so much have been here yesterday, and today they're gone. It's not fair. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm confused, I'm ok, I'm not ok. There are so many things I feel...sometimes all at once, and other times individually. Sometimes I laugh, and other times I cry. One day I feel kind of normal, the next day is a different story. What I am getting at is I never know how I'm going to feel. This might go on for months, or years....I don't know. What I do know, is it is going to take some time, and that's ok. I would prefer it be sooner than later, but I know I will be ok.
Now one thing that has made this whole situation really hard is people. Yes, people. I understand that everyone's intentions are good, but people have a way of tearing you down without knowing they are. What do I mean by this you might ask? Well....I just finished telling you about my feelings. I never know how I'm going to feel, and those feelings can change in an instant. So if I don't know how I feel, how can you tell me to my face "I know how you feel." Really? You do? I understand that you may have lost someone close to you, but that still does not mean you know how I personally am feeling. Everyone deals with loss differently.
"How are you doing?" This is a question you ask someone on a daily basis. You see a familiar face..."How are you doing today?" It's almost like it's programmed into us. So I understand that this one is tough. But please....PLEASE DO NOT ASK ME HOW I AM DOING. You want the truth...the truth is I am doing shitty. This is a really sucky situation that I am working through, and to make it worse, you ask how my parents and sister are doing. What is it that people want me to say? "Oh hey we're all doing GREAT!" You know what the answer is, so please don't ask. If you feel uncomfortable with the silence, start talking to yourself. At least then you might make me laugh because I think you're crazy. I would much rather laugh than tear up. When people ask this question it's almost as if they are trying to get me to cry. They expect me to be sad. Well...what if it's my kind of normal day, and then I come across a person who asks me in a super sad tone how I am doing. My feelings can change instantly. Say anything besides "How are you doing," these words can be really hurtful without even knowing it.
It is hard. I hate this. I hate seeing our family go through this. A friend of mine said we aren't going to get over this, so we've got to work through it. So please just be patient with me while I work through it. For the most part, I am ok. I can honestly say that. So when you ask out of habit how I am doing, ok will be my answer, but just because I am ok does not mean the next person can say the same.
